Monday, September 26, 2011

A rough day or three...

This refining process is ugly.  My counselor told me that I was going to have to be uncomfortable in order to get better and I hate don't like being uncomfortable.  I have finally figured out that I will do anything to keep from being uncomfortable.  However, I have also figured out, that I can only keep up the facade for a short period of time, and then I explode.  My explosions aren't always outward, mostly, they are inward and then I self destruct.

I don't know how to deal with my emotions in a healthy way.  How am I supposed to be angry/ frustrated/hurt/sad and not alienate everyone around me?  I don't know how to approach that in a good, constructive way.  You see, instead of being uncomfortable with my emotions and dealing with them, I'd rather shove it all down with food and make myself sick by doing that and then I can say I don't feel well.  You see, that it a good excuse for being out of sorts.  Not feeling well physically.  Mentally, not so much.

God keeps quick firing all kinds of sermons, verses, blog posts, friends at me.  What am I missing?  What is my next step?  WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO???????  Here is my verse from this morning.
"You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off our old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.  Eph 4:22-24 

Well, there you go!  I am supposed to put off my former way of life.  I am struggling as to how to do that.  Do I just let everyone see the real me and take my chances?  gah.  I am tired.  The baby was up last night and I didn't get enough sleep.  Poor bubbalouie has a cold, so it's snot city around here. 

I was reading at Faith Barista this morning, and boy did that post speak to me.  I am truly in the autumn of my life and I am being called to shed off the old and "To discover that you can be loved, are loveable, and completely, entirely safe and beautiful in His eyes."  I want that.  I am tired of being so stinking concerned about what everyone else thinks of me.  Who am I trying to impress??? It really should just be God, no?

Also, Sweet Sara aka Gitzen Girl passed away Saturday night.  I am so saddened but filled with joy at the same time.  I have been praying her home for a while now and I can just imagine her in the arms of our Lord hearing the words "Well done, good and faithful servant."  I often chastise myself of how, when I have SO much in my life to be thankful for, I have somehow lost my joy.  I have lost my joy and hope.  

This post is all over the place.  I hope there is some rhyme or reason instead of a bunch of gobbly-gook.  I will most likely come back and try to tidy this up a bit.  After more coffee and a massage.  My wonderful hubby is going to stay with the baby (even while he's working) so I can get a massage.  A great way to start a Monday, I must say!

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Being broken

I saw my counselor today.  She is a wonderful woman who has a heart for God.  It is good to see her, but you see, this mask still is present, even with her.  Not all the time mind you, but some of the time.  I read her part of my journal where I was answering questions in a book I am studying.  There was some seriously vulnerable stuff in there and I almost didn't read her some of it, for fearing of appearing too broken.

I have had this "wonder-woman, have it all together" person for so long, that I don't want anyone to know I am broken.  You would think that by now, I'd have it figured out that everyone is broken and I am redeemed by the grace of Christ.  But no... I am too busy scrambling like a mad woman trying to make sure that all the masks are in place and my ducks are in a row and the appearance of perfection is achieved. 

I am tired.  So, how do I rest in His grace and live for Him and not the opinions of everyone around me?  How do I turn off the voice?  For the longest time, I didn't even recognize it at satan.  It was just my subconscious, my internal voice, whispering at me.

I am sick of fighting this fight and want to be free.  Hope to be free.  I realized something today.  I really, honestly don't believe that I can be free from this.  Deep down, in the dark place, I feel trapped by this and that this eating disorder will be my story for the rest of my life.  This will be my battle.  The voices will continue to silently rage.  I will never have rest. 

Tonight, I am praying for hope.  

Tuesday, September 13, 2011


How many years can one be a slave?  A slave to something that you crave, long for, focus on and sacrifice for?  For me, the answer is 27 years.  Wow, typing that out really brings it home.   I have voluntarily given my life over to an idol and now, I finally hear God's voice telling me it is time.. time to stop fighting this losing, ill-equipped war.

How do I stop fighting?  How do I let God rule my life instead of food?  This whole, "let go and let God" thing does NOT work with food.  Letting go, not having tight reigns and control over every morsel.. what does that look like?  Chaos.  It looks like a tornado that consumes everything in its path that once released, cannot be contained.

Does it really?  Or is that what satan is telling me?

Here is what that insidious voice hisses at me daily...

* If they ever knew the true you, you would not be loved.  The mask is imperative.
* You are not, nor ever will be good enough, no matter what you do... you are already failing miserably.
* You are fat and ugly and if anyone saw the true you,  they would be repulsed, because you see, you are repulsive.. you even repulse yourself.
* You are responsible for everyone.  Especially their feelings.  You must do everything in your power to make everyone happy and their lives as easy as possible.
* DON'T say "no".  They might hate you if you do.
* It is very important that everyone like you.  Make sure you are everything to everybody.
* The scale is a fabulous measure of your self worth and success.  Make sure to get on the scale multiple times a day to assess your value.
* Being sad, mad, or hurt isn't really an option.  Stuff them down hard and fast, control your environment and yourself.  Control, comfort and equilibrium are key. 

I'm in deep, aren't I?