It has been a while.

Well, I did it and it hasn't been pretty.  On November the 3rd, I committed to a sugar fast and I have been under non-stop attack since then.  The first weekend alone was so over the top that I had to call my  mom in for reinforcement.  There was a broken down vehicle hours away from home, mishandled construction permits, gas furnace being installed in one of our rental properties,  house guests, lice in waist length hair, ear infection, spider bites (the previous 3 required Dr. appointments), a birthday party for our one year old with me making a standing Winnie the Pooh cake and food for 50, an unfinished entry way that was being painted at midnight before the party in a color that I ended up hating....  that was just Thursday night until Saturday. 

It didn't stop there and the pinnacle of it all was our precious baby falling down a huge flight of stairs with me running down them after him trying to catch him, screaming like I have never screamed before.  Our house was crazy insane and someone left the baby gate open.  I almost caught his foot as he was going over and I just missed him.  I am still suffering from PTSD and can hardly close my eyes without seeing him tumbling down over and over.  He is ok, thank you, thank you, thank you, Almighty Father.   The doctors checked him out and miracle beyond all miracles, he came away with just an abrasion on his forehead and a huge lump on the back of his head.  The Dr. confirmed that I was in worse shape than he was.  For days, I felt like I had suffered a heart attack.   You see, our stairs are long and very steep and adults have to be super cautious going down, as many people have slipped on them. 

I am not catching a break and I can honestly say, satan is ramping it up.  My friends have commented
that they can't believe everything that is happening to me/our family.  I am committed to my fast and have done well so far and have not had any sugar.  I wasn't even tempted at Thanksgiving (we hosted 21 people over for dinner) due to the fact that I had a wicked migraine and spent most of the day in bed with a house full of people eating food that I cooked, but couldn't enjoy. 

Well, that's enough of my saga for tonight.  There is more, but I am just too tired.  I have missed being on line and catching up on all the blogs. 

~In Him
Stephanie

I don't want to!

Well, it has been 10 days since I wrote about fasting and all the reasons that I wasn't too keen on it.  No surprise, I haven't started it yet.  :-|

I am part of  Incourage's Book Club and we are going through What Women Fear by Angie Smith.  Here is a very poignant quote that I am thinking I should take to heart.

“Our natural reaction when we fear failure is either to hightail it out of that situation, or perhaps more likely, to procrastinate. We don’t want to admit we are avoiding doing something God commanded us to do (even to ourselves!), so we simply keep saying we will get to it eventually.”

Hmmm.... Do I resemble this remark?  Yes, yes, I think I do.  

Fasting...

Soooooooo.....  Ima thinking that God is talking to me.  I think He's telling me it's time to put the brakes on this food issue that I wrestling around and around with and I need to fast.  Let me tell you something...  This does not sit well with me on so many levels.
1. I don't want to.
2. I have fasted before and it has ended up being a point of pride for me, not a chance to really hear God's voice and to obey Him.
3. I don't want to.
4.  I'm afraid.  I'm afraid of failure, I'm afraid of what I might hear. I'm afraid of where God might lead me.
5. What am I supposed to fast from?  Well, I really shouldn't be asking that question, because I already know the answer.  Sugar.
6. I don't want to.
7. How am I supposed to function without my go-to?
8. How do I really lean on Him and draw closer to Him in the midst of a food crisis????? Because I am self reliant and all of my crisis are governed and controlled by food.  Food fixes everything.  (In my head, I know that last statement really isn't true, but it feels true...it is what I have gone to my whole life)
9. I REALLY don't want to.
10. I don't do negative emotions.  So how am I supposed to feel everything without a numbing agent?
11.  Oh, did I mention that I don't want to?

I talked to my husband about some of the struggles I am having and one of the first things he said was that I should fast.  ugh.  My hubby is an amazing man of God and I really respect his view and leading nature.  He doesn't quite get this whole eating disorder thing... not for lack of wanting to understand, but food isn't something he has ever had an issue with. 

I am feeling a lot of stress right now on trying to get this all "figured out".. I am now having heart problems.  I was on a portable heart monitor for 24 hours last week to get some insight into what is going on.  The cardiologist called me tonight.  She identified my issues and is thinking that stress is playing a huge part in it as well. 

So..  Now I guess it all boils down to obedience.  Do I or don't I?  How many excuses can I find to do it my way? 


How long will I choose to be a slave? 

There was a glimpse.

I had a slight glimpse of freedom the last couple of days.  Well, maybe not complete freedom, but a slight loosening of the chains.  However, I am sorry to report it didn't last long.  I was completely lambasted tonight.  satan knows when I see some light at the end of the tunnel and he brings out the big guns. 

My day went pretty well, but ended up with a full on attack about how unlovable I am, how I give everything I am and have to this huge family I have, with absolutely no care to how I am, or how I'm feeling.   I have had some huge life changes in the past few years and I don't even recognize who I am.  I don't have any time to do any of the things I love to do and the things that make me, me. 

After I cooked a huge spread for the family and couldn't eat because I'm not feeling well, the baby started to cry and I left the hub and the kids upstairs eating dinner.  As I was rocking the baby, I looked up verses on who I am in Christ. 

I will not be condemned by God.
There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.  Romans 8:1

I have been set free in Christ.
For freedom Christ has set us free.  Stand firm, then, and do not be subject again to the yoke of slavery. 

The peace of God guards my heart and mind.
And the peace of God that surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.  Phil 4:19

I ended up falling asleep in the rocking chair with this sweet little boy in my arms and woke up a while later and went upstairs.  You know what I was greeted with?  A family who embraced me, laid hands on me and prayed for me, that I would feel better and get the rest that I needed tonight. 

I got a glimpse of some truth tonight.  That no matter what satan whispers in my ear and twists in my brain, I am loved, appreciated, and I matter.

Thank you Jesus.

A rough day or three...

This refining process is ugly.  My counselor told me that I was going to have to be uncomfortable in order to get better and I hate don't like being uncomfortable.  I have finally figured out that I will do anything to keep from being uncomfortable.  However, I have also figured out, that I can only keep up the facade for a short period of time, and then I explode.  My explosions aren't always outward, mostly, they are inward and then I self destruct.

I don't know how to deal with my emotions in a healthy way.  How am I supposed to be angry/ frustrated/hurt/sad and not alienate everyone around me?  I don't know how to approach that in a good, constructive way.  You see, instead of being uncomfortable with my emotions and dealing with them, I'd rather shove it all down with food and make myself sick by doing that and then I can say I don't feel well.  You see, that it a good excuse for being out of sorts.  Not feeling well physically.  Mentally, not so much.

God keeps quick firing all kinds of sermons, verses, blog posts, friends at me.  What am I missing?  What is my next step?  WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO???????  Here is my verse from this morning.
           

"You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off our old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.  Eph 4:22-24 

Well, there you go!  I am supposed to put off my former way of life.  I am struggling as to how to do that.  Do I just let everyone see the real me and take my chances?  gah.  I am tired.  The baby was up last night and I didn't get enough sleep.  Poor bubbalouie has a cold, so it's snot city around here. 

I was reading at Faith Barista this morning, and boy did that post speak to me.  I am truly in the autumn of my life and I am being called to shed off the old and "To discover that you can be loved, are loveable, and completely, entirely safe and beautiful in His eyes."  I want that.  I am tired of being so stinking concerned about what everyone else thinks of me.  Who am I trying to impress??? It really should just be God, no?

Also, Sweet Sara aka Gitzen Girl passed away Saturday night.  I am so saddened but filled with joy at the same time.  I have been praying her home for a while now and I can just imagine her in the arms of our Lord hearing the words "Well done, good and faithful servant."  I often chastise myself of how, when I have SO much in my life to be thankful for, I have somehow lost my joy.  I have lost my joy and hope.  


This post is all over the place.  I hope there is some rhyme or reason instead of a bunch of gobbly-gook.  I will most likely come back and try to tidy this up a bit.  After more coffee and a massage.  My wonderful hubby is going to stay with the baby (even while he's working) so I can get a massage.  A great way to start a Monday, I must say!

Being broken

I saw my counselor today.  She is a wonderful woman who has a heart for God.  It is good to see her, but you see, this mask still is present, even with her.  Not all the time mind you, but some of the time.  I read her part of my journal where I was answering questions in a book I am studying.  There was some seriously vulnerable stuff in there and I almost didn't read her some of it, for fearing of appearing too broken.

I have had this "wonder-woman, have it all together" person for so long, that I don't want anyone to know I am broken.  You would think that by now, I'd have it figured out that everyone is broken and I am redeemed by the grace of Christ.  But no... I am too busy scrambling like a mad woman trying to make sure that all the masks are in place and my ducks are in a row and the appearance of perfection is achieved. 

I am tired.  So, how do I rest in His grace and live for Him and not the opinions of everyone around me?  How do I turn off the voice?  For the longest time, I didn't even recognize it at satan.  It was just my subconscious, my internal voice, whispering at me.

I am sick of fighting this fight and want to be free.  Hope to be free.  I realized something today.  I really, honestly don't believe that I can be free from this.  Deep down, in the dark place, I feel trapped by this and that this eating disorder will be my story for the rest of my life.  This will be my battle.  The voices will continue to silently rage.  I will never have rest. 

Tonight, I am praying for hope.  

Slavery.

How many years can one be a slave?  A slave to something that you crave, long for, focus on and sacrifice for?  For me, the answer is 27 years.  Wow, typing that out really brings it home.   I have voluntarily given my life over to an idol and now, I finally hear God's voice telling me it is time.. time to stop fighting this losing, ill-equipped war.


How do I stop fighting?  How do I let God rule my life instead of food?  This whole, "let go and let God" thing does NOT work with food.  Letting go, not having tight reigns and control over every morsel.. what does that look like?  Chaos.  It looks like a tornado that consumes everything in its path that once released, cannot be contained.

Does it really?  Or is that what satan is telling me?

Here is what that insidious voice hisses at me daily...

* If they ever knew the true you, you would not be loved.  The mask is imperative.
* You are not, nor ever will be good enough, no matter what you do... you are already failing miserably.
* You are fat and ugly and if anyone saw the true you,  they would be repulsed, because you see, you are repulsive.. you even repulse yourself.
* You are responsible for everyone.  Especially their feelings.  You must do everything in your power to make everyone happy and their lives as easy as possible.
* DON'T say "no".  They might hate you if you do.
* It is very important that everyone like you.  Make sure you are everything to everybody.
* The scale is a fabulous measure of your self worth and success.  Make sure to get on the scale multiple times a day to assess your value.
* Being sad, mad, or hurt isn't really an option.  Stuff them down hard and fast, control your environment and yourself.  Control, comfort and equilibrium are key. 

I'm in deep, aren't I?