I don't want to!

Well, it has been 10 days since I wrote about fasting and all the reasons that I wasn't too keen on it.  No surprise, I haven't started it yet.  :-|

I am part of  Incourage's Book Club and we are going through What Women Fear by Angie Smith.  Here is a very poignant quote that I am thinking I should take to heart.

“Our natural reaction when we fear failure is either to hightail it out of that situation, or perhaps more likely, to procrastinate. We don’t want to admit we are avoiding doing something God commanded us to do (even to ourselves!), so we simply keep saying we will get to it eventually.”

Hmmm.... Do I resemble this remark?  Yes, yes, I think I do.  

Fasting...

Soooooooo.....  Ima thinking that God is talking to me.  I think He's telling me it's time to put the brakes on this food issue that I wrestling around and around with and I need to fast.  Let me tell you something...  This does not sit well with me on so many levels.
1. I don't want to.
2. I have fasted before and it has ended up being a point of pride for me, not a chance to really hear God's voice and to obey Him.
3. I don't want to.
4.  I'm afraid.  I'm afraid of failure, I'm afraid of what I might hear. I'm afraid of where God might lead me.
5. What am I supposed to fast from?  Well, I really shouldn't be asking that question, because I already know the answer.  Sugar.
6. I don't want to.
7. How am I supposed to function without my go-to?
8. How do I really lean on Him and draw closer to Him in the midst of a food crisis????? Because I am self reliant and all of my crisis are governed and controlled by food.  Food fixes everything.  (In my head, I know that last statement really isn't true, but it feels true...it is what I have gone to my whole life)
9. I REALLY don't want to.
10. I don't do negative emotions.  So how am I supposed to feel everything without a numbing agent?
11.  Oh, did I mention that I don't want to?

I talked to my husband about some of the struggles I am having and one of the first things he said was that I should fast.  ugh.  My hubby is an amazing man of God and I really respect his view and leading nature.  He doesn't quite get this whole eating disorder thing... not for lack of wanting to understand, but food isn't something he has ever had an issue with. 

I am feeling a lot of stress right now on trying to get this all "figured out".. I am now having heart problems.  I was on a portable heart monitor for 24 hours last week to get some insight into what is going on.  The cardiologist called me tonight.  She identified my issues and is thinking that stress is playing a huge part in it as well. 

So..  Now I guess it all boils down to obedience.  Do I or don't I?  How many excuses can I find to do it my way? 


How long will I choose to be a slave?