I don't want to!

Well, it has been 10 days since I wrote about fasting and all the reasons that I wasn't too keen on it.  No surprise, I haven't started it yet.  :-|

I am part of  Incourage's Book Club and we are going through What Women Fear by Angie Smith.  Here is a very poignant quote that I am thinking I should take to heart.

“Our natural reaction when we fear failure is either to hightail it out of that situation, or perhaps more likely, to procrastinate. We don’t want to admit we are avoiding doing something God commanded us to do (even to ourselves!), so we simply keep saying we will get to it eventually.”

Hmmm.... Do I resemble this remark?  Yes, yes, I think I do.  

Fasting...

Soooooooo.....  Ima thinking that God is talking to me.  I think He's telling me it's time to put the brakes on this food issue that I wrestling around and around with and I need to fast.  Let me tell you something...  This does not sit well with me on so many levels.
1. I don't want to.
2. I have fasted before and it has ended up being a point of pride for me, not a chance to really hear God's voice and to obey Him.
3. I don't want to.
4.  I'm afraid.  I'm afraid of failure, I'm afraid of what I might hear. I'm afraid of where God might lead me.
5. What am I supposed to fast from?  Well, I really shouldn't be asking that question, because I already know the answer.  Sugar.
6. I don't want to.
7. How am I supposed to function without my go-to?
8. How do I really lean on Him and draw closer to Him in the midst of a food crisis????? Because I am self reliant and all of my crisis are governed and controlled by food.  Food fixes everything.  (In my head, I know that last statement really isn't true, but it feels true...it is what I have gone to my whole life)
9. I REALLY don't want to.
10. I don't do negative emotions.  So how am I supposed to feel everything without a numbing agent?
11.  Oh, did I mention that I don't want to?

I talked to my husband about some of the struggles I am having and one of the first things he said was that I should fast.  ugh.  My hubby is an amazing man of God and I really respect his view and leading nature.  He doesn't quite get this whole eating disorder thing... not for lack of wanting to understand, but food isn't something he has ever had an issue with. 

I am feeling a lot of stress right now on trying to get this all "figured out".. I am now having heart problems.  I was on a portable heart monitor for 24 hours last week to get some insight into what is going on.  The cardiologist called me tonight.  She identified my issues and is thinking that stress is playing a huge part in it as well. 

So..  Now I guess it all boils down to obedience.  Do I or don't I?  How many excuses can I find to do it my way? 


How long will I choose to be a slave? 

There was a glimpse.

I had a slight glimpse of freedom the last couple of days.  Well, maybe not complete freedom, but a slight loosening of the chains.  However, I am sorry to report it didn't last long.  I was completely lambasted tonight.  satan knows when I see some light at the end of the tunnel and he brings out the big guns. 

My day went pretty well, but ended up with a full on attack about how unlovable I am, how I give everything I am and have to this huge family I have, with absolutely no care to how I am, or how I'm feeling.   I have had some huge life changes in the past few years and I don't even recognize who I am.  I don't have any time to do any of the things I love to do and the things that make me, me. 

After I cooked a huge spread for the family and couldn't eat because I'm not feeling well, the baby started to cry and I left the hub and the kids upstairs eating dinner.  As I was rocking the baby, I looked up verses on who I am in Christ. 

I will not be condemned by God.
There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.  Romans 8:1

I have been set free in Christ.
For freedom Christ has set us free.  Stand firm, then, and do not be subject again to the yoke of slavery. 

The peace of God guards my heart and mind.
And the peace of God that surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.  Phil 4:19

I ended up falling asleep in the rocking chair with this sweet little boy in my arms and woke up a while later and went upstairs.  You know what I was greeted with?  A family who embraced me, laid hands on me and prayed for me, that I would feel better and get the rest that I needed tonight. 

I got a glimpse of some truth tonight.  That no matter what satan whispers in my ear and twists in my brain, I am loved, appreciated, and I matter.

Thank you Jesus.