I saw my counselor today. She is a wonderful woman who has a heart for God. It is good to see her, but you see, this mask still is present, even with her. Not all the time mind you, but some of the time. I read her part of my journal where I was answering questions in a book I am studying. There was some seriously vulnerable stuff in there and I almost didn't read her some of it, for fearing of appearing too broken.
I have had this "wonder-woman, have it all together" person for so long, that I don't want anyone to know I am broken. You would think that by now, I'd have it figured out that everyone is broken and I am redeemed by the grace of Christ. But no... I am too busy scrambling like a mad woman trying to make sure that all the masks are in place and my ducks are in a row and the appearance of perfection is achieved.
I am tired. So, how do I rest in His grace and live for Him and not the opinions of everyone around me? How do I turn off the voice? For the longest time, I didn't even recognize it at satan. It was just my subconscious, my internal voice, whispering at me.
I am sick of fighting this fight and want to be free. Hope to be free. I realized something today. I really, honestly don't believe that I can be free from this. Deep down, in the dark place, I feel trapped by this and that this eating disorder will be my story for the rest of my life. This will be my battle. The voices will continue to silently rage. I will never have rest.
Tonight, I am praying for hope.