Monday, September 26, 2011

A rough day or three...

This refining process is ugly.  My counselor told me that I was going to have to be uncomfortable in order to get better and I hate don't like being uncomfortable.  I have finally figured out that I will do anything to keep from being uncomfortable.  However, I have also figured out, that I can only keep up the facade for a short period of time, and then I explode.  My explosions aren't always outward, mostly, they are inward and then I self destruct.

I don't know how to deal with my emotions in a healthy way.  How am I supposed to be angry/ frustrated/hurt/sad and not alienate everyone around me?  I don't know how to approach that in a good, constructive way.  You see, instead of being uncomfortable with my emotions and dealing with them, I'd rather shove it all down with food and make myself sick by doing that and then I can say I don't feel well.  You see, that it a good excuse for being out of sorts.  Not feeling well physically.  Mentally, not so much.

God keeps quick firing all kinds of sermons, verses, blog posts, friends at me.  What am I missing?  What is my next step?  WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO???????  Here is my verse from this morning.
"You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off our old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.  Eph 4:22-24 

Well, there you go!  I am supposed to put off my former way of life.  I am struggling as to how to do that.  Do I just let everyone see the real me and take my chances?  gah.  I am tired.  The baby was up last night and I didn't get enough sleep.  Poor bubbalouie has a cold, so it's snot city around here. 

I was reading at Faith Barista this morning, and boy did that post speak to me.  I am truly in the autumn of my life and I am being called to shed off the old and "To discover that you can be loved, are loveable, and completely, entirely safe and beautiful in His eyes."  I want that.  I am tired of being so stinking concerned about what everyone else thinks of me.  Who am I trying to impress??? It really should just be God, no?

Also, Sweet Sara aka Gitzen Girl passed away Saturday night.  I am so saddened but filled with joy at the same time.  I have been praying her home for a while now and I can just imagine her in the arms of our Lord hearing the words "Well done, good and faithful servant."  I often chastise myself of how, when I have SO much in my life to be thankful for, I have somehow lost my joy.  I have lost my joy and hope.  

This post is all over the place.  I hope there is some rhyme or reason instead of a bunch of gobbly-gook.  I will most likely come back and try to tidy this up a bit.  After more coffee and a massage.  My wonderful hubby is going to stay with the baby (even while he's working) so I can get a massage.  A great way to start a Monday, I must say!

1 comment:

  1. Well Stephanie, I was touched to read your posts, to go back a ways, and to see that we are fighting a similar fight. So know that when the struggle comes for me I'll be thinking of you and praying us both through to freedom. Grace to you on the journey. No matter how you feel or what lies are in your head, you are loved.