How many years can one be a slave? A slave to something that you crave, long for, focus on and sacrifice for? For me, the answer is 27 years. Wow, typing that out really brings it home. I have voluntarily given my life over to an idol and now, I finally hear God's voice telling me it is time.. time to stop fighting this losing, ill-equipped war.
How do I stop fighting? How do I let God rule my life instead of food? This whole, "let go and let God" thing does NOT work with food. Letting go, not having tight reigns and control over every morsel.. what does that look like? Chaos. It looks like a tornado that consumes everything in its path that once released, cannot be contained.
Does it really? Or is that what satan is telling me?
Here is what that insidious voice hisses at me daily...
* If they ever knew the true you, you would not be loved. The mask is imperative.
* You are not, nor ever will be good enough, no matter what you do... you are already failing miserably.
* You are fat and ugly and if anyone saw the true you, they would be repulsed, because you see, you are repulsive.. you even repulse yourself.
* You are responsible for everyone. Especially their feelings. You must do everything in your power to make everyone happy and their lives as easy as possible.
* DON'T say "no". They might hate you if you do.
* It is very important that everyone like you. Make sure you are everything to everybody.
* The scale is a fabulous measure of your self worth and success. Make sure to get on the scale multiple times a day to assess your value.
* Being sad, mad, or hurt isn't really an option. Stuff them down hard and fast, control your environment and yourself. Control, comfort and equilibrium are key.
I'm in deep, aren't I?